My name is Jess Paciello, and I am 21 years old. I guess that makes me a millennial (yikes!), but I am not too fond of millennial culture. Anyone that knows me knows that I love my quiet time alone (you can probably find me binging on Netflix), casual wine nights IN, I am so terrified of setting foot in clubs or big bar scenes, I have strong negative views of “hook up” culture, and I would just prefer to fly way under the radar. I do want to talk about dating with disabilities though, because I believe that this topic is super important. Why? Discussing dating with disabilities is important, because often society views the disabled population as inferior and almost non-existent. According to society, disabled people are undesirable and therefore can never be “dating” or partner material. This absurd idea is completely false.  As someone with cerebral palsy myself, I think I hopefully can try to tackle this subject with some first hand experience!

First off, coming from a female’s perspective: dating is hard in 2016, regardless of whether or not you are disabled. But, disabled people face more negative experiences in “first-time” dating, and that can totally ruin the outlook of hope that you had before. I cannot, and I am not trying to, speak for every disabled person in my age range, but upon talking with my friends I am making a general consensus that it is fair to say we’ve all been significantly discouraged or disappointed when we started to put ourselves out there.

It personally took me a long time to admit to myself that I had CP, and then accept my body for all that it is. One of the biggest pieces of advices I can give to those of you who want to begin dating is please make sure you are ready to! I was one of those people who rushed it in the beginning, and that did not end in my favor. Be confident in all of the kinks and quirks your body has, because if you do not accept them, it’s a very safe bet that your partner won’t either.  I have been lucky and I am incredibly grateful for that; every guy who I have dated has been so gracious when I told them about cerebral palsy, and what that means for how my body functions, and they all have said that CP is really a non-issue for them. It funny thinking about how I was treated, because I am now reflecting on the fact that there may have been some level of self-sabotage on my end which ultimately led to some dating demise.   Again, gaining confidence in yourself is incredibly important here! I have been working on building my self-confidence for a long time now, and I am finally in a good place, so I promise you it can happen!

So… what happens when you are ready to date because you are confident in yourself and your self worth? Those of us with disabilities have a little extra step to tackle with our partners. Disability disclosure. This is a tough topic to give advice on, because it really is so subjective for each individual.  The first time I was disclosing to my boyfriend at the time was one of the most nerve-wracking things I have even done. Again, self-sabotage kicked in for me. I had created all of these fictitious scenarios in my mind that just screamed ideas like: “ you won’t be accepted anymore”, “he won’t accept your CP and you won’t feel safe”, “he could do so much better” and the list when on and on at the time! Another important aspect of disclosure is listening to your partner. If they have questions about your disability, answer them as truthfully as you can. Dating is not a one-way avenue. Support your partner as much as they are supporting you. I promise that disability does not become the be-all or end-all of a relationship if your connection is genuine. Allow your partner to get to know you as a whole, and not just by what you physically can or cannot do. Dating somebody will not last very long if you have no common interests

Luckily, like I previously stated, he was more accepting than I imagined and I was totally in the wrong. Disclosure leads to stronger bonds being formed, and I will say to anyone: if you do not feel comfortable disclosing your disability to your partner, they may not be the Prince (or Princess) Charming. There is nothing wrong with you if a disclosure process goes awry! I know this piece is intended for young adults with disabilities, but I would like to take a second to appeal to parents of disabled children here, too. It will be frustrating to see your child struggle in the dating world if it happens, but you need to allow personal growth at this crucial time of development in teenager years also.  Please allow your child to discover themselves, even if that leads to dating disappointments.  If anything, I really think it helps establish high standards which you all so deserve. Do not settle for dates. Anyone who is worthy of your companionship will accept you. Do not be afraid to put yourself out there.

You may have to “strike out” a few times in the dating scene before you succeed. It happens to the best of us! Remain optimistic no matter the obstacles, and the results you want will manifest quicker than if you wallow in sadness. You are worthy of intimate connections, despite what society says about those of us with disabilities.

I want to not only share a wonderful article in this month’s Teen Vogue, written by Dalila Castillo, the President of our Young Professional’s Committee, but also share my thoughts about it. In the piece, Dalila talks about her feelings of “trying to feel normal” when growing up with cerebral palsy.

As head of our Foundation, I’m fortunate to have opportunities to speak with many individuals and I’m constantly made aware of the complex challenges faced by people with cerebral palsy and disabilities.

It would be hard to overstate the depth of what individuals must feel when trying to navigate their diverse challenges. Does one, as Dalila discusses, wear orthotics and take time for the therapies needed to improve physical performance — or does one instead do all they can to try to conform with the norm?

Does a parent, faced with getting their child a good education, constantly fight a system if it is providing inadequate resources, or do they try to work with a teacher to maximize the positive impact of whatever services are provided?

Does an individual stay optimistic about love and friendship, despite disappointments and difficulties, which are — although faced by everyone — so often magnified when faced by someone with a disability? Or does a person retreat a bit, and find a different emotional space in which they will be more comfortable?

Every life, with or without disabilities, is marked by the milestones when one decides to pull back against long odds or fight them, when one chooses to say “yes” or “no.” Every individual faces daily decisions which will dramatically and inexorably change his or her life. We are often not even aware of those choices, but they do indeed define our paths forward.

However, even if these moments are faced by everyone, I am often told that for a person with disabilities, the moments are tougher, the challenges more pronounced, and the stakes greater. And I am also told that because of this, one’s achievements can also take on additional richness: that one also learns to cultivate that most wonderful of emotions: appreciation.

And so, having Dalila open up and share these thoughts not just for teens with disabilities, but for their friends, acquaintances, and the world… wow: what a lovely moment.

I hope you appreciate Dalila’s take on “normalcy” as much as we do. We love her perspectives. And we’d also like to add our word for how she’s turned out: extraordinary!

BY RICHARD ELLENSON, CEO

“You showed me that anything is possible” was one reaction from a Brooklyn College Academy high school student after listening to a panel on disabilities hosted by the Young Professionals Committee (YPC) for the Cerebral Palsy Foundation (CPF) last week. The panel, called Disability in the City, specifically strove to help the Brooklyn College Academy students better understand issues and obstacles related to accessibility in New York City and generally, learn about how each of the panelists live normal lives despite their disabilities.

The panel was made up of four adults with disabilities – three living with varying degrees of Cerebral Palsy (CP), and one with Osteogenesis Imperfecta, a genetic condition causing brittle bones and bone fractures with little or no apparent cause. Each of the panelists shared their personal experiences so that the students could feel what is what like to be in their shoes.

As the Founder and Co-Chair of the YPC, I lead the conversation with a brief description of statistics on New York City’s methods of accessible transportation. Research shows only 85 of 468 total NYC subway stations are considered wheelchair accessible by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) – which means that, theoretically, wheelchair users can access less than 20% of the city’s subway stations. Realistically, the number of accessible subway stations at any given time is probably even lower than 85 as mechanical issues often cause subway elevators to breakdown without notice. We find a similar reality within the NYC bus system – on paper, all NYC buses can accommodate wheelchair passengers, but in daily life, many wheelchair users encounter frequent obstacles to riding the bus around the city – either the rush hour crowd does not want to move aside to let the wheelchair on the bus before them, forcing them to wait around for the next one in lieu of fighting the crowd, or, the bus is too crowded for a chair to board, or, the bus driver claims they cannot operate the bus ramp. These inconveniences can add hours of unfair wait time for wheelchair users navigating NYC via public transit.

I also briefly discussed Title I of the American With Disabilities Act that allows for persons with disabilities reasonable accommodations to their job or work environment. I recently had trouble with getting to and from my office and unfortunately, had to fight to receive a minor accommodation. I shared my story in hopes of teaching the students the value of self-advocacy and speaking up for yourself.

Kyle Khachadurian, friend of the YPC, voiced the importance of consideration when it came to traveling in NYC. As someone with mild CP, he shared that its physically taxing for him to stand for a long subway ride, but many times, other riders do not offer him their seat. It probably would not hurt for most people to look up from their smartphone to see if another rider may benefit from taking their seat. Kyle also shared that in his case, he had it “pretty good” until after college, because that is when he realized how difficult it could be to get around on public transportation sometimes.

Jessica De La Rosa, friend of the YPC and this year’s reigning Ms. Wheelchair New York, reminded us that disabilities do not equate to inabilities. Jessica and most of her family members live with either Osteogenesis Imperfecta or another type of severe physical disability, but she does not seem to perceive that as an insurmountable circumstance. She shared with us her positive outlook, her drive, and determination to live life to the fullest. As Ms. Wheelchair New York, she is an advocate for people with disabilities and seeks to raise awareness about inclusion in school systems. She often takes care of her young niece and nephews who are also in wheelchairs because of their Muscular Dystrophy. Jessica shared with us that often times she sees her niece and nephews being left out of field trips and social activities with their peers without good reason. She went on to say that when its time for a field trip, the school will almost always initially state that her niece and nephews cannot participate because either, there is no space on the bus, the destination is not accessible, or there is not enough chaperones. Jessica will do everything she can to get them on the trip because, she’s found, that most of the time, these excuses are either untrue or easily solvable. Jessica hopes that advocacy work and inclusion initiatives will allow all children to be treated equally in schools so that children with disabilities feel good about their place in the classroom.

Jessica also shared how inconvenient it can be to get around for her and her wheelchair bound family members. She has experienced being stuck on a subway platform for hours because the elevator stopped working right before she got there, ridiculously long waits for both Access-A-Ride, the city’s paratransit service, and for an accessible NYC taxicab.

Last but certainly not least, Andrew Pilkington, filmmaker and friend of the YPC, has CP in a way that makes it difficult for him to speak, or fully control his arms and leg movements. But, he lives his life with a smile on his face and is following his dream of filmmaking despite any physical obstacles. He taught himself how to type on a keyboard with his nose, and he uses his right foot to manipulate the computer mouse. He wrote and directed 2 feature films (so far) and has no signs of slowing down or stopping.

Andrew shared that people often assume that because he is in a wheelchair and has difficult with speech, he must also have a mental disability. People sometimes speak to Andrew in certain tones or want to make decisions for him. Andrew also told the students that getting around in New York City can be tricky because its difficult to catch an accessible cab, and he can’t always rely on the Access-A-Ride service. He pointed out that accessible cabs often create uncomfortable situations for him because there is no accessible credit card machine near his chair. So if Andrew is traveling in an accessible cab alone, he has to trust the taxi driver to take his card and swipe it for him.

The students of Brooklyn College Academy heard our stories and said that we changed their perspective. Each of the 20 students in the room shared a statement after the panel and their comments were full of words like “inspiring”, “impactful”, and “thank you”. It seems that the students learned to see disabled people like all people. They thanked us because hearing from us made them feel that they too could conquer their own issues and obstacles.

I, for one, would like to thank the students for taking the time to listen and get to know us. The disabled community would greatly benefit from more inclusion and understanding. And I like to think that with this workshop, we took a tiny step toward that goal.